One way of knowing what something is is to understand what it is not. That is, when does something stop being itself and start being something else? This is why we have boundaries: to define when one thing stops and another begins.

But there are many different types of boundaries that serve different roles. For example, there are necessity boundaries, which are like rules for life. “You should call your mother on her birthday,” or “I need to finish this paper by today,” are two examples of necessity boundaries.

While some of these boundaries come from society, most of them we actually put on ourselves, as the two examples show. There are also possibility boundaries, which define what can and cannot be accomplished according to some kind of outside force. “There’s no way we can improve profits this year,” or “It’s too expensive to have a relationship,” are examples of this.

While both of these types of boundaries seem clearly defined, you can break through them simply by asking, “What would happen if you did?” and “What stops you from doing _____?”

There are also personal boundaries. These we can also divide into two groups, either when the boundaries are not clearly defined or when they are too rigid. When boundaries are not clearly defined, a person does not know when a behavior or response is appropriate. Screaming and yelling are fine at a concert, but not so much in the office.

Conversely, a person with too rigid boundaries will limit themselves to certain emotional responses, so while they might be calm in the office, they will not “let themselves go” at a concert or party. When they do break one of these rigid boundaries, they often become very upset with themselves, even if this behavior is socially acceptable. In movies, we frequently see these two types of characters paired together in “Odd Couple” situations, where one character has very loose boundaries and the other has very rigid ones.