Analyze the non-assertive behavior.

Assess what stops the assertive behavior.

List ways the assertive behaviors can be useful.

Expand the assertiveness state.

Go through the timeline, generating examples of assertive behavior.

Diminish the images of non-assertive behavior.

Future pace.

Test.

Assertiveness is a very important trait, yet people often fall into habits of being too passive or aggressive. These habits can be unconscious, and people often fail to realize how much they are losing and how many bad experiences come from poor assertiveness.

Step 1: Analyze the non-assertive behavior. #

Determine what the person does instead of asserting himself or herself in a specific situation. In addition to the behavior, uncover the chain of thoughts and other internal representations that take place prior to and during the non-assertive behavior.  For verbal thoughts (self-talk), get a good sense of their position. For example, how much do their thoughts act as a broadcast for someone else’s thoughts? And how much are they trying to preempt what other people might think? Dynamics such as these show problems with perceptual position misalignment. And this is a clue for you, by the way, to notice issues that you might want to handle with other patterns before continuing a process. As for the stronger sensory elements, look at sub-modalities as well. You are looking at what drives the person toward non-assertive behavior. Do not just assume that the sub-modalities have to be from the known driver sub-modalities (size, location, etc.). It could be any type, in any modality. Be thorough in your investigation of sub-modalities in this step, because that might determine the success of the whole procedure.

Step 2: Determine what prevents assertive behavior. #

Notice any ways that an impulse to be assertive is stopped. One way to derive this is to simply mention two or three assertive behaviors that might apply to the situation. Then ask, “When you think of doing this, what happens?” The person is likely to describe a dominant rep system, such as the kinesthetic sense of feeling fear in their stomach, along with some thoughts. Help the person express these thoughts and develop them into specific beliefs, such as, “If I asked for that, it would mean that I was a needy person.” People like that are disgusting. " (Notice the nominalization regarding disgust. Who is disgusted, and why? Clarify the ways that stopping assertiveness can be useful.

Step 3: Describe how assertive behaviors can be beneficial. #

Develop with the person a list of ways that one or more of the assertive behaviors can be useful. Make sure that this list appeals to the broadest possible spectrum of values that the person holds dear. Make sure that this includes as many selfish motives as possible, as well as any ways that the results of their assertive behavior would benefit any people or groups that the person feels are deserving. For example, if self-care makes them more productive, they will be able to contribute more to the world in the long run. Also, their medical bills will be lower, so they can contribute more to their favorite cause. Be sure to include the pleasure of experiencing an assertive state that is free of guilt or other causes of shyness. As you are doing this step, be sure that you are using each element to foster a state of confidence and assertiveness in the person. Another issue to consider is morality and ethics. Your client might have other parts that object to such a stream of thoughts, making themselves more important in their eyes. Allow these parts to speak up, and use the parts negotiation pattern as needed to keep them from interfering with the rest of the procedure.

Step 4: Expand the assertiveness state. #

Bring the person’s attention to the ways they are beginning to experience an assertive state. This includes any rep system elements, including thoughts. Ask elicitation questions, such as: What do you see, hear, or feel? Elicit sub-modalities as well as maintain a high level of sensory acuity. Note which rep systems are most compelling and, of the thoughts, which values expressed by the thoughts are most compelling. Begin future pacing by, for example, asking the person to imagine carrying out assertive behavior buoyed by this state and fully expressing this state. What kind of posture, gestures, and facial expressions would be expressed?  Again, if you maintain a high level of sensory acuity, you will notice their posture, gestures, and facial expressions and give them verbally as feedback to your client in order to prove that the process is already working. Include a fantasy of people reacting very normally and favorably to this behavior in order to reduce the fear and create positive expectations on the unconscious level.  Since the tone of voice is so important in assertiveness, have the person imagine the vocal tone, volume, and pacing that are likely to gain cooperation and make the assertive requests. Again, bring up the positive feelings that go along with the assertive state and behavior. Be very supportive of these feelings and help the person amplify them. Use the sub-modalities that were most influential on this particular client.

Step 5: Go through the timeline, generating examples of assertive behavior. #

Have the person go through their timeline, thinking of many examples of assertive behavior. This includes any time that the person expresses an aspect of assertive behavior. For example, they may feel bad about having said something meekly, but if they used the right words, have them focus very intently on this. The purpose of this is to modify the person’s self-concept into that of an assertive person. This way, they will have a greater expectation of being assertive, more permission to be assertive, and better competence at being assertive. They will also use assertive cues like body language to set expectations in others.This will cause people to respond in ways that elicit more assertiveness in the person.

Step 6: Diminish images of passive-aggressive behavior. #

Bring the person’s awareness back to their images of not being assertive. These images may include memories and fears. Ask them to send those images behind the assertive images. Ask them to imbue the nonassertive images with the qualities of the assertive images. For example, if the assertive images have a more lively, colorful quality, have the person modify the non-assertive images to have that quality. Have them do the same with other modalities and sub-modalities, such as vocal tone and accompanying thoughts. Move unassertive feelings to the same location as the assertive feelings and modify the unassertive feelings to match key aspects of the assertive feelings. Continue making these adjustments until the person feels very congruent with assertiveness, even though these unassertive elements are being processed.

Step 7: The Future Pace Go back to future pacing, asking the person to imagine carrying out assertive behavior in various situations. #

Be sure that they bring the assertive state into the situation and that their future images have the qualities of the assertive images that have been developed.

Step 8: Test. #

Ask the person to give you feedback over the coming days or weeks about any changes in their behavior that have to do with assertiveness or anything else that they think is important.