Select a pattern reflecting weak boundaries.

Create a boundary-affirming imaginary space.

Imagine the force field.

See yourself in second position from a highly supportive perspective.

Amplify your uniqueness in first position, and future pace this state.

Elicit creative expressions of your uniqueness and boundaries by testing them with a boundary violating fantasy person.

Future pace. Test.

Personal boundaries are the borders that we maintain between what is acceptable and what is not in how we are treated. Healthy boundaries are those that affirm us but are flexible enough to allow meaningful interaction with others and are therefore considered healthy boundaries. Boundary crossings occur when someone does not respect our dignity, power, and well-being. A comment or joke that is sexist but not directly insulting can be considered a subtle boundary crossing.

People who have weak boundaries may take on others’ problems. It happens when a person thinks he or she is a good friend, while in reality they let themselves get overwhelmed and absorbed with another person’s emotions and problems. A good friend should be there to stay strong for you, stay sensitive yet unaffected, so that they can pull you up and support you. This does not happen if that “good” friend is taking part in feeling the pain or assuming responsibility for alleviating it.

People with weak boundaries become victims of themselves, and by becoming miserable for other people’s problems, they actually push them away. When those others are dependent or destructive, the person with poor boundaries is called a co-dependent.

These people lose themselves in harmful patterns. Some of them are even consciously aware of that habitual self-sabotage. They may not be able to act in their own interest until they get their partner to agree with them or stop having bad (manipulative) feelings about it. They tend to have perceptual position distortions in which they have other people’s attitudes and thoughts mixed in with their own. They wonder why their relationship is not getting better when they are working so hard, without fully considering that they are the only ones working on the relationship. People with overly rigid or extended boundaries may place unreasonable demands on others to comply with excessive expectations. This pattern helps people define and strengthen boundaries that are too weak or unclear.

Step 1: Select a pattern reflecting weak boundaries. #

Think about the information on poor boundaries and codependency. Find a pattern in your life that bears some resemblance to at least one of the elements, or something else that shows weak boundaries.

Step 2: Create a boundary-affirming imaginary space. #

Imagine a physical space around your body that extends out about two feet. Fill that space with your boundary-affirming and boundary-enforcing qualities such as attitudes and personality characteristics. Consider qualities such as assertiveness, perceptiveness, commitment, honesty, the ability to read others, and so forth. Be sure that these are not generic; they must be qualities that are unique to you. What is the quality of assertiveness that comes from you? What is positive about it? Include only the positive parts of your imaginary space. If any of those qualities seem weak, don’t allow that to be relevant in placing them in your imaginary space. Take the collective sense of these qualities and anchor them.

Step 3: Imagine the force field. #

Imagine that your boundary space is surrounded by a force field that is getting so strong that nothing can penetrate it unless you allow it. It defines you as being a unique entity, separate from others in the sense of being an individual capable of interacting and benefiting from interaction. Be sure to sense this from the first perceptual position (first person). Anchor this strong, “boundary” sensation.

Step 4: See yourself in the second position from a highly supportive perspective. #

Move to the second perceptual position. Imagine that you are seeing yourself through the eyes of a person who is very supportive of your boundaries and thinks the world of you, even if you need to invent that person for this pattern. Discover what it’s like for you as this understanding person to express strong approval for you as a unique individual and for your boundaries. Take a little time to clearly express this in a way that is fully connected and full of feelings. Do whatever you need to do in order to make this a powerful, valid resource.

Step 5: Emphasize your uniqueness in first place, and set the pace for the future. #

From first position, amplify and experience the validity and power of all that makes you a unique, “boundaried” individual. Future Pace: this state as a way of being in the world and a way of navigating life.

Step 6: Elicit creative expressions of your uniqueness and boundaries by testing them with a boundary-violating fantasy person. #

Imagine experiencing someone who is not respectful of your boundaries in some way. Allow your state of unique self and good boundaries to elicit creative responses from you. You can stop the fantasy to adjust your response, or loop it and try various responses each time through. Be sure not to get caught in the trap of trying to change the other person or convincing them of anything. If they are manipulative, they will not respond to that in a constructive manner.

Step 7: Future Pace. #

Imagine moving into the future with your healthy boundaries and unique identity. Allow imaginary scenarios to come up as you enjoy projecting this state into the future.

Step 8: Test. #

In the coming days and weeks, notice any ways that you express your uniqueness despite demands from others that would turn you away from your unique self-expression or meet your needs in your own self-affirming way that connects you with supportive people and valuable resources. Notice any ways that you defend and enhance your boundaries, including maintaining your own thoughts independently from others’ thoughts and attitudes.