When we hear words that fit the category of characterological adjectives, we assume a pre-existing relationship between the implied idea and the presupposition. For example, if someone tells you she is a victim and it is her brother’s fault, the presupposition is that she was attacked/assaulted at least once in the past, and the characterological adjectives imply that her brother is the source of the abuse.

Keeping in mind that nominalizations and meta-model violations are always at play when someone tells us their story (and any description of anything that is not happening immediately is a story), we need to clarify the characterological adjectives in order to avoid jumping to the wrong conclusions.

The word “victim” might imply she was raped or physically attacked, but it might also indicate verbal abuse, such as a threat or a curse. In some cases, though, if investigated further, it could mean something completely benign, such as if she feels entitled to something and her brother refused her demand. She could feel like a “victim,” but that has a whole different meaning than a sexual assault.

This pattern is not meant to be negotiated between two individuals. It is used to help the person (in the example above, the woman) clarify their relationship with a difficult person in their life.

Step 1: Consider a recent argument or a difficult interpersonal situation. #

It may be that you’re frustrated or irritated and did not present your best side in that scenario.

Step 2: Close your eyes and take a deep breath. #

Enter your mind’s theatre. Imagine that person in the image on the screen, acting out the way they did in the situation from Step 1.

Step 3: Describe their behavior onscreen in one or two words (X). #

For example, “defensive” or “selfish” or “aggressive” or “pushy” etc.

Step 4: Align yourself into a third perceptual position by seeing yourself on the screen, acting out the scenario while you remain in your seat in the theatre. #

Step 5: Describe your behavior on screen in one or two words (Y). #

For example, “defensive” or “talkative” or “disrespectful” or “avoidant” etc.

Step 6: Break state. #

Open your eyes.

Step 7: Say to yourself, “That person was X, and I was Y. #

Step 8: Answer the question: “If I was less Y in that conversation, could it be that this person would not have to be so X? #

Step 9: You can further improve your relationship with that person by communicating your insight to them. #

You know, I realized that I was really Y and that is why I felt you were somewhat X. I hope we can work it out together.