Replace stress and frustration with empowerment and confidence, by resolving conflicting and colluding beliefs. This pattern is primarily for interpersonal situations. By colluding, we mean beliefs that unconsciously interfere with our success in a way that is interlaced with other beliefs.
1.The Situation:
Identify a situation in which your beliefs conflict with those of another person.
Step 2: Your Belief: #
Describe specific beliefs that collide with this person’s beliefs.
Step 3: Their Belief: #
Describe the other person’s beliefs that collide with yours. These beliefs are completely compatible with mine.Identify which belief is the primary focus of the conflict. Below are generic beliefs. One of these is likely to apply here. Mark it with “OT” for “other” (meaning the other party’s conflicting belief), and circle the word choice that applies (i.e., “is/is not”). Remember, you are identifying the other party’s limiting belief. a. The objective is/is not desirable and worthwhile. b. This goal can not be achieved. c. The actions necessary to achieve this goal are not sufficiently detailed, understandable, appropriate, or ecologically sound. d. I do or don’t have the skills or talents that I would need in order to achieve this goal. e. I do/don’t deserve to attain this goal. f. I am not in charge of this goal.
Step 3: Colluding Belief: #
Move out of your conflicting belief state. Look for colluding beliefs, that is, beliefs of YOURS that in some way reinforce the other person’s limiting beliefs that you perceive as troublesome. Use the list above. Mark the applicable belief with a “CL” for “colluding.”
Step 4: Meta-Position: #
Move to a meta-position where you can be free of the conflict/collusion reality. From this fresh position, find alternative frames of reference and concepts that can help you find innovative and practical solutions. a. Presuppositions: Take note of the assumptions that underpin the beliefs.Typically, these are not conscious, so you will need to be sure you are thinking outside of your current, conventional frame. The following presuppositions can help you here.
- “There is no single correct map,” versus, “I have the one true map.”
- “There is a positive intention behind every behavior and belief,” versus “The behavior (or belief) is negative and must be eliminated.”
- “People have the capabilities they need,” versus, “Some people are just defective.”
- “We are all part of the larger ecosystem,” versus, “We are independent entities, and context does not matter.” b. Positive Intentions: Return to the three belief states and clarify the positive intentions that underpin each one. c. Meta-Program Level: Return to the meta-position you established and identify the similarities and differences between these beliefs at the meta-program level. d. Supportive State: Associate yourself into each belief position once more, this time identifying the state that most likely supports each of the beliefs.
Step 5: Stable Foundation: #
Return to your first meta-position, and answer these questions for each of the beliefs you have identified: How could you fill in the missing NLP presuppositions? How could you realize the positive intentions of these beliefs in a constructive manner? How could you align and balance the meta program patterns? How could you alter your state, or that of the other party, so that it is more amenable to a constructive and ecologically sound resolution?
Step 6: Resourceful State: #
Create a resourceful state in which you embrace the emerging positive beliefs.Maintain that state as you step into your first position. From there, mentally role-play new ways of responding to the other party.