Select a situation in which you responded badly to criticism.

Generate a state of safety.

Respond to the person with validation.

Ask for more information.

Imagine the response in an effective way that is not disturbing.

Reflect what you have received.

Get to an “agreement frame.”

Generate your own representation in a top left position.

Compare the representations of you and your critic.

Respond from your understanding, and do it in a classy way.

Seek closure.

Take this to the relationship level. Test.

This pattern lets you experience criticism without taking it too personally. It uses the concept that words are not real. If criticism sets off a chain reaction inside you that results in anger, shame, or defensiveness, you need to remember that such suffering is optional.

This pattern gives you control over these reactions. The importance of learning how to accept criticism well can be seen in our most primitive need—to be liked. Social status and relationships with other people are very important to us.

Human beings are social creatures. We need these connections for two main reasons—survival and pleasure. Is there no real joy if you just have fun alone? The greatest joy is when you share the happiness, when you win as a team and not just as an individual. Did you ever wonder how it comes that men hug each other and cry on the football field? Did you see a player crying and hugging himself or herself?

The survival aspect of social life is also obvious—we need the service and escort of other people to run our lives. You need the shopkeeper, the mechanic, the physician, the bus driver, the electric company technicians, and so on. But you also need your family to be supported and nourished; you need your spouse to feel intimacy and love, which is also a basic survival need. We all need other people in our lives; no one person is an island. But the gift of relationship comes with a catch-22: you can’t be social if you don’t know how to handle criticism well. Yes, some people will want to criticize you for their own good, not yours. But many will not. Many will be careful and perhaps brave enough to let you know what you’re doing wrong (in their opinion) or how your inaction or actions, behaviors, choices and emotional expressions are affecting them. Learning to accept criticism well and knowing how to handle it maturely is one of life’s greatest skills and one that will boost your self-esteem and self-respect.

Step 1: Choose a situation in which you responded badly to criticism. #

First, do this exercise in your imagination. In the future, this could become like a reflex that you do rapidly. Then you will get to the point where you do it unconsciously, with your mind freed to be even more of a master. Imagine a situation in which you were criticized and it was either painful, or you did not care for how you reacted, or you did not like the results that came from your reaction.

Step 2: Generate a state of safety. #

Create a safety net by sending the other person farther away until it feels comfortable. This might be an extra foot, or it could be so far you can’t see them (like on the moon). Add a force field or tough Plexiglas shield between you and the other person. Once you feel safe, anchor this sensation.

Step 3: Respond to the person’s validation. #

Imagine saying something to them, such as, “(Name), thanks for telling me this.” Change the words to fit the situation. If it’s a formal business relationship, you might want to sound like this: “(Name), thanks for taking the time to discuss this issue with me. Your observations and ideas are very important to me, so I’ll take this feedback very seriously.” Or if it is a romantic relationship, try something like, “Honey, I’m really glad you trust me so much that you can share something like this with me. My vision for our relationship is that we can be this open, create even more support for each other, and have really good times together while we’re at it. It might take me some time and effort to really get what you need one hundred percent, but I will do my best to keep trying and listening. To me, that’s a sacred promise. "

Step 4: Request additional information. #

The person will know that you care and that you can handle criticism if you ask them to offer more details. Also, the more you know, the better you can respond, whether you need to disagree, negotiate, or offer up a major mea culpa. You can use a phrase such as, “Tell me more about this,” or ask about something that you don’t fully understand.

Step 5: Imagine the response in an effective way that is not disturbing. #

Imagine the person filling in some details. Practice the perception of what they say as though you are watching a movie that plays out the details as they see them. Make the image small enough that it is not at all overwhelming or troubling. This gets you some distance or objectivity, but keeps you in a state of receptivity.

Step 6: Consider what you have received. #

Reflecting is very important in any type of communication. Practice it here by restating what the other person has told you. It’s best to summarize what you feel are the most important parts. This shows the person what stands out to you, and it helps them know what to emphasize when they clarify their ideas and concerns. You can begin with a phrase such as, “I want to make sure I understand you, so let me tell you what stands out to me so far.”  You can end with something like, “How am I doing?” or “Are those the main things?”

Step 7: Get to an “agreement frame. #

” You may not be able to do this justice in your imagination, but be prepared to have some back and forth in the real world. The person will probably want to add or repeat some things. People who do not feel validated will repeat points a lot, so the more you can help them feel validated, the more time you’ll save. When they add points, summarize them as in step six. This is a good point at which to elicit exactly what they want from you or from the situation. Some people jump into criticism before they have figured this out, especially if they are assuming that they can’t get what they want. Exercising their desires can help to calm them down and put them in a more creative and cooperative frame of mind. Once the person is comfortable with your level of understanding, you have achieved the agreement frame.

Step 8: Generate your own representation in the top-left position. #

Your understanding is probably different from that of the other person. At the minimum, you will have some different priorities; that is, you will feel some different things should receive the most emphasis. Create a representation in the top left of your mental and visual space. This representation shows your understanding of the situation. It should include sights, sounds, words, and feelings. Have it show not only the details, but your priorities, needs, beliefs and values. It is powerful to visualize at least one ideal outcome. Emphasize the rep system that helps you gain the most clarity. For example, if it is self-talk, the images may not be so important.

Step 9: Contrast your and your critic’s representations. #

How does the movie you made of your critic’s understanding contrast with the representation you made of your understanding and priorities?

Step 10: Respond from your understanding and do it in a classy way. #

Respond to your critic by stating some areas of agreement, starting with a phrase such as, “I do agree with you on some important points.” This time, emphasize what the other person wants that you can agree with and that you intend to cooperate with. Then convey the ways that you disagree, starting with a phrase such as, “I can’t completely agree on a few points, though.” Where the issue is concerned, I think… This is a good time to indicate what you aren’t willing to cooperate with and what you need to see happen. Use language that fits the situation. How hard or soft you sound is a strategic decision.

Step 11: Look for closure. #

Bring the discussion to a close with a focus on decisions. This can range from them being satisfied that you have acknowledged them, to a need to negotiate commitments, or agreeing to disagree and taking the issue to a higher authority.

Step 12: Take this to the relationship level. #

Ask the other part, “What would help them feel better about your relationship?” (whether it is a working relationship, a romantic relationship, or some other kind of relationship). Offer your own needs in this regard, as well. Discuss it in a way that generates hope and optimism about your future together. Close by emphasizing your appreciation for them coming to you openly, rather than for the specific details.

Step 13: Test. #

As the situation unfolds, see if this has enhanced the relationship and your ability to respond in a way that fills the other person’s needs, including their need to feel that you care and see their needs as valid and serious. See how well they are able to do the same for you. If there are problems, assess them. If you feel the person is strictly being manipulative and wants an unfair advantage, then you will need to shift to a different strategic frame that involves gamesmanship of some kind, limit-setting, and ways of gaining more power to protect your interests.