Source: Robert A. Yourell
It brings out the best in people who are not aligned with their higher values. This pattern is very important for working with people who act in ways that can get them into trouble, such as violence, problems with authority, or with social systems. One of any therapist’s most persistent gambits is to build rapport by recognizing the struggles of the other person in a way that highlights their highest values and their stamina and strength in pushing ahead, despite the obstacles, whatever they are. This helps to anchor a state of alignment with higher values and primes the person for a state of effort in the service of their highest values in a non-defensive manner. We call this “finding the inner hero.” Everyone wants to be a hero, and they feel you have connected to a deep place in them when you acknowledge (in a natural way) their heroism and struggle. You have to do it without “blowing smoke” or otherwise coming off as artificial. That means you really have to connect with the reality of these things, not invent them. This way, you are not too distracted by their inappropriate behavior, their personality quirks, or the ways they bait you before they start to trust you. This makes you an “entrainment effect,” bringing out more of the positive parts of your client. With this approach, you can make non-aligned (with higher values) behavior more alien and easier to let go of for many people. Failing to do this is the root of much of the conflict or alienation that can happen between coaches and their clients. It happens all the time to social service providers and people who work with domestic violence and DUI programs. Teachers can also make children’s learning disabilities worse by approaching them in the wrong way.
Step 1: Select a subject for the pattern. #
Try this with someone who tends to “act out.” That is, they get themselves into trouble or conflicts because they have problems with authority, managing their impulses, or getting into struggles with other people. It must be a person that you are in a position to influence in some way. For example, a child of yours, an employee you supervise, or someone you are coaching.
Step 2: Begin a discussion that relates to the issues at hand. #
Talk with them about an issue that you need to discuss, but do it in a roundabout way. Start by eliciting from them their efforts to manage the situation, or just to manage life in general, so they can keep going. Focus on some struggles they may have. Use reframing in the style of motivational interviewing. As they talk with you, notice what higher values are motivating them, even if they are acting on those higher values in foolish or destructive ways. When you comment or respond to them, highlight the ways that they have strength and stamina to carry on and not give up. Also, highlight all the ways that their struggle aligns with their highest values. In particular, go to the highest logical level, identity. You can highlight these things by briefly acknowledging them, making facial expressions and sounds that show that you were struck by something they said, or any other method you like to use.
Step 4: Reinterpret what they say in order to increase their alignment and ability to pursue their goals with vigor. #
As you do step three, also “interpret” by saying things that emphasize or bring out these parts. For example, “You have really chosen life, taking these steps to bring you out of feeling so low,” and “Even though the person you have this conflict with is distracted by the conflict, on some level, they have to realize that you are advocating for people having meaningful lives,” and “as a person who can fight for what you believe in, it’s obvious that you are being a champion for people’s rights.”
Step 5: Prepare to lead. #
If you have much experience with NLP, you can see that so far we have done an advanced form of pacing with priming mixed in. This is, of course, a set up for leading, as in “pacing and leading.” Think of the kinds of behaviors and outcomes that would be constructive in this situation. Bear in mind that your “client” may come up with something even better, at least in the sense that they would be more motivated to do it in their own style. Make sure that the outcomes and behaviors you are thinking of are fully aligned with the higher values that you found your client acting on in step three.
Step 6: Guide the individual toward constructive ways to act on their higher values. #
As you comment and interact, point out how their efforts are aligned with their values and get them thinking about the outcomes that they ultimately want. They may come up with less constructive ideas for controlling people, getting revenge, or putting themselves in harm’s way just to make a statement about how bad the situation is (this is typical of people who are stuck at an adolescent level of development). Respond to this by getting them brainstorming on ways to be even more fully aligned with their higher values. For example, “That might even get you in the papers for a day, at least on page seven, anyway. But what is the long-term thing that you’d like to see come out of this? " Or, “I wonder how a person might approach someone that causes this kind of trouble so that they would lighten up a little and be fairer to people.”
Step 7: Emphasize the best responses. #
Any time the person says something that is closer to a constructive or resourceful strategy or attitude, reinforce it with a very positive response. Don’t be artificial about it. Notice how the following examples can reinforce, but also are designed to maintain rapport with a person who is resentful and has authority issues. As a result, the reinforcement is not 100% positive content. It is designed to reinforce a statement by the client that is a move in the right direction. Remember that a series of moves in the right direction, even small ones, can become a major shift. For example, “That could really get things moving!” or “Ha! They’d never expect that. They wouldn’t know what to say,” or “They would have to start realizing that you’ve been right about this, because the proof would be right in front of their faces!” You can customize the tone of your responses to match your client’s attitude, whatever it may be.
Step 8: Seal the deal. #
Get some agreement about what you and the person will do about the issue. If the person is only ready for a baby step, don’t be judgmental; treat it with appreciation and respect. Then they will trust you on an emotional level and take more steps with you as they test the water. Remember that you are introducing them to a very different “reality” than the one they are used to. Patterns like theirs take a lifetime to develop.
Step 9: Test. #
Observe them and talk with them as things unfold, and see how well your “hero” style conversations are working. See if you can find new ways to gain rapport. Modify your style as they progress so that you are always helping them to push the envelope.