There are several habitual thought processes that undermine your sense of self-worth, and one or more of them is almost certainly the reason you purchased and began reading this book. Winston Churchill famously said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” This is the polar opposite of what the majority of people will do when confronted with their fears, insecurities, and unavoidable failures. Rather than confronting the issues directly, they either freeze in place and surrender (victim mentality), fight themselves mercilessly (self-deprecating), or flee using avoidance tactics (bad habits and addictions).
The unfortunate reality is that the most emotional issues in our lives will not resolve themselves simply by ignoring them or by unnecessarily degrading our self-image. By employing these strategies, we are merely postponing the inevitable, which will undoubtedly grow in size and scope and influence our decisions and experiences in life. By avoiding confronting our most fundamental emotional issues, we place ourselves in a limbo state of mind dubbed “mental hell.” If we remain there for a long enough period of time, the bonfires of this mental hell will feed off one another by tearing down our self-esteem.
The most important key to getting through this mental hell, and coming out the other side stronger, is awareness. By becoming aware of these issues, we expose inner conflicts and are able to tackle them consciously and methodically. The truth is that, as Winston Churchill suggested, the only way out of hell is straight through.
A tour of mental hell territory:
Weakness: Belief in one’s inadequacy, in one’s inability to do anything correctly, feeling and subsequently behaving like a loser.
Approval seeking/Unlovable or unlikable: The conviction that one is unlovable or unlikable, that no one honestly cares about him or her, and that one is incapable of forming or maintaining friendships or romantic relationships, and being concerned with these ideas. If you are a “people-pleaser,” this is the underlying fear.
Helplessness: The conviction that one is incapable of coping—either with a specific situation or with life in general. This underlying conviction contributes to feelings of inadequacy and worry.
Worthlessness/Defectiveness: The notion that one has no value or is unworthy… or that one is “damaged goods.” For some, these ideas are similar, while for others, they are diametrically opposed.
Abandonment: The assumption that significant people in one’s life will abandon him or her or will be unable to handle being alone. Individuals who hold this belief may take considerable steps to avoid being alone.
Hate and fear: Belief in the untrustworthiness of people, that they are out to get you, or that they are otherwise not looking out for your best interests. This is a fundamental concept that contributes to people becoming excessively suspicious or outright paranoid.
Entitlement: who fall into this category believe that they are exceptional, superior, or more deserving of something than others. Frequently, this serves to mask an underlying insecurity (defectiveness, belief in emotional deprivation): Individuals who are insecure but do not wish to be perceived as frail put on a “tough guy” or “tough chick” persona. However, some individuals were raised with no boundaries and truly believe they are superior to others.
Vulnerability: There are various manifestations of this idea, as it is expressed in different aspects of life, but in general, it is the perception that one is unsafe and extremely prone to being wounded in some way (relationally, medically, or financially). Individuals who hold this belief perceive life occurrences as more dangerous than they actually are.
Emotional repression: The assumption that one must suppress one’s emotions—that one must refrain from speaking up or sharing thoughts or feelings—because doing so would be improper or detrimental in some way.
Inadequate self-control: The belief that generates the cognition, “I need it now.” Individuals who believe in the “heat of the moment” lack self-control and the ability to restrict themselves or delay gratification. This belief may manifest itself in impulsive substance addiction, sexual promiscuity, binge eating, temper tantrums, and shopping sprees.
Emotional scarcity: The conviction that one will not be able to meet one’s emotional requirements, as a result of which he or she frequently does not attempt. Certain individuals who hold this belief will assert, “I have no needs,” “Your needs are more essential than mine,” or “It is weak to have needs.”
Enslavement: This is a notion about control. Certain individuals believe they must cede control of their lives to others, while others make conscious attempts to avoid being controlled or controlled. If you have “control issues,” this is a factor.
Retribution: The conviction that one is deserving of punishment. Punishment can be directed towards either self or another person. As a result of this belief, our culture has become highly litigious. Additionally, sadistic, masochistic, and self-harming behaviors may be a result of this mindset.