In behavioral mirroring, you match behaviors that have symbolic meaning. They are mostly subconscious. In fact, the more subconscious they are, the easier they are to mirror. After all, no one can think you’re imitating him or her if you’re imitating something they don’t know you’re doing, can they? But what about being either masculine or feminine with the opposite sex? I mean, aren’t you supposed to be different? Doesn’t the opposite sex expect this? Well, yes and no. Remember, you are not completely giving up on your actual personality. You are just adjusting certain things. Did you know that when men talk to women, many tend to use a somewhat higher voice? Apparently, many people already do a certain amount of mirroring, whether they know it or not. It makes sense that we would evolve with some subconscious rapport-building instincts. After all, these abilities have contributed to our ability to survive and to procreate. We know that the brain’s neurons that are in charge of empathy and connecting with other feelings are called mirror neurons. Autistic people have difficulty with rapport building because they have fewer mirror neurons. Autistic people, who are high-functioning enough to be concerned about rapport-building, have to work extra hard at learning these skills because they are not as good with this kind of sensory acuity on an instinctual level. It has to start out as a much more conscious process.

Consider this, returning to the idea of gender differences. Assume a man is speaking to a lady. He is a textile mill sales rep and she is a clothing company buyer. He deduces from her demeanor that she did not get her job because she was a college graduate with a stellar GPA. Aside from her skin tone and scent, he can tell she smokes. Her accent indicates she is from a conservative and religious region. She occasionally makes judgmental remarks about people, implying that those who are different are so because they want to be eccentric, difficult, or irresponsible. You don’t tell this person you take antidepressants.

The man matches her by displaying qualities she clearly admires and mentioning personal history that aligns with her beliefs. For example, he casually mentions hard-earned money. If he has a degree, he avoids big words and abstract ideas, except for ideas he can express clearly. A literary tradition of commenting on things with dry humor, like Mark Twain, exists in the south of the United States. He uses plain but insightful and cynical humor. His wit is directed at the rich, not the poor, and the marginalized, not everyday people. If he attends church, he mentions it. He may talk about visiting family with his close relatives, letting her know he values family. He uses similar body movements, but with a gentleness that allows her to feel relaxed and connected. He also does other physical mirroring, such as posture and breathing.