Nearly everyone wants to be a hero, but people who are marginalized want it more. Why else would comic books have a hero that can’t reveal his or her identity but is intensely tempted to do so in order to impress someone? You can use this experience with anyone, but loners, underachievers, or people who are feeling unappreciated especially need this in order to trust you. For them, it’s a key nutrient as well. In this experience, you will show your connection with their sacrifices and positive intent.
Listen and observe:
What is causing your client anxiety? The obvious stressors are external, but you are deeply listening to how the client has internalized real or imagined judgment from others, an authority figure, or “society.”
Where is your client’s drive and effort coming from? Notice what the client is doing to deal with the situation, even if it is destructive or too passive. Find out what values are driving the client and which of those are the most intensely felt. The woman recovering from drug abuse and trying to regain custody of her children may not appear to be doing what she is supposed to do, but she probably feels inside that she is working very hard and that her hard work is not being appreciated. This could even be true. Recovery from addiction can exhaust others’ patience, and this is a painful situation for someone desperate to rejoin society. You might find that she is terrified of what may happen to her children because of negative stories and news about foster care. You can recognize this as coming from her love for her children and her being protective.
Take note of how well or poorly your client connects their higher values with their efforts. Do they FEEL that they are motivated by high values, or are they so preoccupied with the unfairness or threats in the situation that they find little inspiration? You can often predict that this is what you’ll find because they exude an oppressive fatigue and weariness.
Notice how well they are able to see their efforts as an expression of their desire to meet an important challenge. Again, the unfavorable alternative is an overemphasis on threat and unfairness, which leads to fatigue and wear.If you find yourself becoming irritated at a client’s immature lock-on to unfairness and threats, remember that they have been living this, and they have probably experienced a nasty blend of double binds and emotional shocks, if not outright trauma, that has wound them into a tight coil of perseveration. They may also have cognitive difficulties related to injuries, mental illness, or addiction. Although it may be appealing to wave your magic wand and produce instant NLP magic, never resent a client for posing a challenge that threatens your ego.
Sometimes cognitive impairment or being locked in a struggle can seem like they are not cooperating or even sabotaging the work. The intrusion of the coach/therapist’s ego into the process can be sneaky. Even a hint of this can create a vicious cycle in which the practitioner and client feed into a negative relational dynamic. You can bounce out of this judgmental state by thinking of the client as a possible candidate for long-term cognitive rehabilitation, which is something that practitioners can contribute to a great deal. This is because restoring thinking occurs by preparing for and dealing with actual situations and people rather than artificial means such as cognitive computer games. By engaging them at this level, you can trigger more respect in yourself for the client. To complete the experience, you ought to repeatedly link the client’s higher values as fuel for their efforts. To do so, you demonstrate genuine appreciation for how hard they work and struggle.It is important not to be maudlin here, because there must be no exaggerating or acting.
A restrained and objective comment will have a stronger impact than a more intense presentation. Then, state that you can see how the client would do this in order to pursue the higher values that you have recognized. You can also link this to something you want to see happen that you feel the client is very likely to agree with. For example, you could say:
“There are few things as difficult as recovering from addiction…Especially when you have lost so much. Not to mention dealing with all the add-on demands like all these appointments and the harsh timeline. You’re under a spotlight that can really distract people and make them feel demoralized. Your love for your children must be incredibly powerful for you to be so totally driven. We really need to work on some stress management skills so you can stay in shape…. and make it obvious to the social worker and the judge what you’re really about here. Just as an expert runner must avoid getting sick from being too thirsty… we need to make sure you’re in good shape for all this. "
Make this a theme, especially in the first phase of your work. Look for every opportunity to produce this experience. This will contribute to your motivation as well as your client’s, and it will help to keep key goals meaningful and in focus.