All too often, the stereotype of the male becoming overwhelmed and withdrawn or angry when his mate confronts him with more emotional issues than he is prepared to cope with at one time plays out in relationships. Of course, males don’t have a complete monopoly on this trait. But, more commonly, women find it difficult to cope with the male “Mr. Fixit” approach to problems, which women say squeezes out their need for process and deeper understanding.
This protocol directly resolves this problem on several levels. It sets up a framework for a new approach, provides mental and temporal space for the protocol to do its magic, and grounds the participants in a manner that greatly reduces the anxiety that is the cause of so much communication dysfunction.
The Protocol
Frame the situation by explaining to the woman that the male has a very small emotional bladder in his brain. Women find this amusing because they or one of their friends may have complained of having a small urinary bladder. If you’re talking to a man, explain that females are not usually as good at mechanical reasoning as men, and can have trouble designing their emotional issues into a workable arrangement.
Men find this amusing because they have seen their mate or other women have trouble with mechanical reasoning of some kind, perhaps something concerning the physics of operating a motor vehicle. I hope you’ll forgive the appeal to stereotypes, but I’m more concerned with what works and what maintains rapport and momentum in the therapeutic relationship rather than being completely politically correct at all times.
This framing works just as well when working with homosexual partners since both genders are typically able to take their own peccadilloes lightly. For your ill-humored clients, you may want to use a very neutral way to introduce this protocol. Explain that the protocol allows people to bring up very serious issues in a positive way that does not tend to alienate or overwhelm people and avoids coming off as a “Mr. Fixit” mentality. Describe the protocol as follows: The client is to select the most important emotional issue rather than overwhelm or confuse their partner by daisy-chaining the issues.
Daisy-chaining happens when a person thinks of a disturbing issue, develops a state that causes them to think of one related issue after another, verbalizes them as they come to mind, and overwhelms, confuses, or antagonizes their partner as a result.
With this single most important issue in mind, have the person think of what the relationship would be like if the issue was resolved in a meaningful, generative way. Then, have the person describe the values that make this outcome meaningful to them.
Work with your client to think up the kinds of steps that would move their relationship toward that vision. These steps must be realistic, practical, and as attractive as possible. They should be worded in the most inspirational way possible. They should then be reworked so that they appeal to the mindset and speech style of the partner. This step can feel pleasantly subversive to your client, who is used to feeling some futility and frustration because they have confused being genuine with limiting their speech to their own frame of reference. Breaking out of this self-imposed habitual limitation can seem somehow like cheating. It’s important to keep the process fun so the person does not lose momentum by thinking that they are really cheating in some way.
Now work with your client to come up with a single step that would move the relationship into this plan. It should be something that can be done almost immediately.
Note that by doing this step last in formulating the plan, your client is more likely to come up with a meaningful item than if they start out with an effort to come up with the step. This is because they have stepped back to look at the big picture, thinking of their long-term desires and their overarching values, even if only briefly.
Now ask them to try communicating this in the following sequence:
The set up: “I know you know how important you are to me, and the kind of vision we share for our relationship. I mean, I see us (vision goes here). "
“This means so much to me, because I value (one or two values go here).”
“And I know we can create this by doing things like (one to three steps go here).”
“I’d just love it if you could join with me in moving us closer to that by (a very easy initial step goes here; your client is asking for a simple behavior that would mean a lot to him or her in the relationship, and it must be something the partner is definitely able to do).”
Here is a real-life example with a client (real names were changed, of course):
“Bill, I know you love me. There are so many ways that you can show me that. Even the little things you do, like the way you make breakfast on Saturdays. And I know you want to see us have our talks be easier and get to positive places without a lot of hassle.”
Note that the client, Ellen, is reframing very hard in the direction of her mate’s perspective here. Otherwise, she might be saying she really wants their discussions to be more productive and for him to show that he really understands and cares about what she is bringing up, etc.
“I think if we worked out at the gym together a couple times a week, this would be great for us, because we don’t want to let our work and money issues get to us. You know how much sharper we are and how much more stamina we have when we get on our game that way? "
If she were not framing this in his terms, she might be saying that they need to spend more time together and work through issues more; the sex would be better if he were in better shape and she’s embarrassed about getting flabby, and she knows he doesn’t really like her body these days; in the car, they could talk back and forth from the gym and get closer; she really has a hard time just going to the gym on her own and needs support to exercise regularly; she’s been feeling kind of depressed and needs him to be more positive and uplifting so she can feel better about doing more things, etc. You could really help me if you could schedule your appointments so we can rely on Wednesday nights and Saturdays later in the morning. I know you want to keep Saturday afternoons and some evenings open for work. How does that sound? " (Face relaxed with a little smile, head tilted a little to the side.)
Please note that this is in no way intended to suppress discussion of serious issues such as depression, weight loss, mutual support, the emotional tone of a relationship, sex quality, body image, working through issues productively, and discussing issues adequately—all things that were brought up in the parenthetical remarks about the client reframing what she might have said.
The point is that, at this point in the relationship, her approach and his response have been disastrous, while this protocol has saved many couples by giving them a structure to work on issues productively and without becoming too triggered. If you think of a relationship as something that requires conditioning over time, like an athlete’s body or a scientist’s mind, then working through issues of quality in a step-wise fashion that is tied to big picture values and vision can be a positive experience.
A counter-argument might be that relationships must be approached holistically, so pulling out a single desire fails to address ecology. But remember, the single desire was derived after looking holistically at the relationship, and was the highest priority out of a number of things that would be supportive from a holistic perspective.
Success with one item can galvanize the couple to continue this process over time, with additional successes adding up to the vision they are pursuing together. On the other hand, when this gambit fails, it will be much clearer where the problem lies or what dynamic is taking place, because of the way the issues have been isolated and framed. For example, if the partner has too much dissociation and regression to tolerate even a single request that is framed positively, that partner requires mental health care that addresses this problem. The same would apply to a partner who is too compromised by drugs or alcohol to follow through adequately, even if the discussion went well at the time.