This simple method has produced some really marvelous results in relationships that have become strained and alienated. It is a great way to cross a gender or personality gap between nearly any two personality types. You already know about the importance of establishing a secure base for pretty much anything to happen in a relationship. You also know that alignment means that your values are lined up with your behavior. At least that’s one good version of alignment. This approach to communication involves creating a secure base as well as alignment. It also adds in some good old-fashioned sales sense. This approach to communicating is to be taught to your client. You can also use it to get important ideas across to your clients. The people who respond best seem to be the types who are moved by vision and values, and the types that think like engineers, who like to see the plan in an organized way. However, it is good for almost any type of person.
How to Proceed
Ask your client to tell you about the problem that they need to communicate with their friend (or their spouse, employer, or whoever). Have them describe the point of being concerned about this. Instead of trying to get them to say what they are “really” trying to say, have them describe what would happen if they got it across and the other person responded well. We don’t mean the short-term outcome of ending the conversation on nice terms. We mean the result of a collaborative relationship that got meaningful results regarding the issue at hand. For example, if your client is tired of walking on eggshells around her husband, ask how she would know that the issue was collaboratively resolved. Go beyond the obvious matter of her being able to speak her mind freely. Have her describe some of her husband’s behaviors in this ideal future scenario. Next, ask what vision and values this outcome would express. She might say that she would feel more relaxed and loved, and that the things they wanted to do together would work out better because there would be more (and more effective) communication. They would collaborate more, so there would be a more constructive effort, producing results in their lives. To make this more motivational, have her tell you about some of these results, because they will reflect the dreams she has for the relationship in terms of the lifestyle and activities she longs for. Now help her compress this down into specific values that are more abstract. They might be the following:
Expression (knowing that the other person will make every effort to understand the positive intent behind what you say);
Mutual respect (being confident that your contribution to the relationship will be valued and supported);
Constructive collaboration (joyfully collaborating);
Fulfilling our ambitions (being able to achieve and experience the things we desire).
It really doesn’t matter if client after client comes up with pretty much the same values for their relationship. These needs are universal. Often, spelled out, they sound a little like parts of the U.S. Constitution. Now have your client describe the medium-term goals that would be aligned with the long-term vision and values. And next, have her tell you what she’d like to see happen in the short term, especially in terms of how her husband can help her begin moving toward the medium-term objectives. Okay, now we have the vision and values aligned with the objectives and tasks. That is, the big picture and the worm’s-eye view. Now help her practice initiating the conversation with her husband. These things always go better if a person can start with canned material. It gives them some confidence and momentum, and helps them command attention and interest because they will express themselves in a more grounded way. Finally, have her try this out with her husband, and work with her based on the results she gets. By the way, we are talking here about a reasonably functional relationship. If her husband is a highly manipulative person, we would not necessarily try this. We might choose to focus more on training the husband with behavior modification.